Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
