Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize