So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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