I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
