you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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