how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
