16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize