I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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