If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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