So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
