Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the day after is always just damage control
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
