My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
