I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
