bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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