rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
