i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
