it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
