So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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