i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
