that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize