I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
