jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
