I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
