my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
