I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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