They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
