my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
