fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
