She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
