Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
