pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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