So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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