dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
