there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
