apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
