Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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