Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
