Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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