I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
