I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
