I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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