he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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