Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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