I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
