It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
