And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
