they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
