I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize