you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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