When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
