Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
