I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
