i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
