i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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