if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize