I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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