My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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