Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
