yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
